> More in the morning. We were insatiable, even if we'd
> verbally agreed we were sated. I showered, she watched me
> get dressed. She was already thinking about the future. I
> wasn't thinking past the present. The train station brought
> another reality, one only she saw coming.
Oh, God, what a beautiful read!
I mean, you know.. once I moved beyond my crippling jealousy....
> On Friday morning we handed over the keys to our flat and
> home of the last two years.
Coincidental wow, in that yesterday afternoon my partner and I were revisiting our doing that some 10 or 11 years ago. It was a huge gamble at the time, and I'm glad for the both of us to have prevailed, as I suspect we'd not have made it this far together had we stayed put.
> Tho I had another wonderful thing in my life and thats Lexi
I've met only one, but she left me with the impression there ought be more.
> Just feeling sick of it all
There's definitely more than a little nothingness to internet “things”.
Internet technology is also a seemingly infinitely kludgey hodgepodge of carpets to be randomly and/or unannouncedly pulled out from under you not long after you finally “get” something, finally make something work, etc. So if you ever do build up sufficient escape velocity to feel technically-minded therein, brace yourself for endless meteor, asteroid, and comet strikes, suns exploding, time/space suddenly behaving in new – and generally unwelcome – ways, etc., etc., etc.
So – I guess literally given whom I'm responding to – “Ground control to Major Tom....” ;–)
> So I know that over the next few days it's gonna
> be extremely hard for me to be able to do anything
> correctly. As all i'm gonna be able to think of is how to
> get high again.
What I found to be a powerful “trick” (when I quit drinking for seven years) was to remain grateful for the relative high of sobriety for the effects of alcohol having become a genuine relative low. One might say it was a sort of “negative space” trick, where I'd be thinking the likes of “Oh my God, I sooooo love the 'swig' of not drinking I just took!”
Now, full disclosure (as more regular readers here may already know), I did eventually drink again under circumstances connected to comraderie with an ill brother, which at times I consider a mistake due to the fact I'm still capable of going well overboard. But, I also met my partner several years before then, and thus was establishing a personal space quite different from that in which I'd been “bottle out of control”. Therein I truly have (except for said relatively rare “well overboard” moments) learned how to drink moderately in social settings, and I think there's some significant “win” in that (mostly due to how most people tend to look at people that don't drink at all – due to past addiction – as somewhat frightening pariahs, people that perhaps they shouldn't trust for not being able to “simply” (per their experience) have a couple drinks with them).
But I do remember the “trick” mindset, and employ it as needed if/when I'm feeling the pull of the “low”....
> How is everyone doing tonight? Good I hope
It was a bit of a rough ride during conversations with my partner, as we're pondering marriage and attempting to become more “transparent” overall.
A significant stumbling block is she can become emotional toward my revelations in ways I can't seem to respond to other than becoming a combination of depressed, and increasingly interested in becoming less transparent. As I was explaining to a correspondent, her emotional responses to my being transparent “drive me into the arms of another”, as it were, where “another” is any kind (although never “salacious”) interactions with others that she's unaware of, complete with tinges of “Oh yeah? Then suck on this...” (where, of course, she couldn't possibly come to know what “this” is because I'm that damned good at hiding...).
I mean, she doesn't even know about this blog, for godssakes, and I'm sure I must have been less than glowing about her in posts along the way, just because relationships are hard, I don't always see things correctly, it's easier to blame than to understand, etc., etc. And this place feels like a sort of collective confidant, if not a confessional.
But, well, how do you explain to someone that you've possibly shared more with strangers than with them over the course of a year? Does “because you drove me there” ever really work as an explanation, even when it's true?
And then there are the couple female correspondents I been interacting with for years, completely platonically. But, see, my partner doesn't believe people can truly be platonic... she believes what people call “platonic” is people in denial, all but certainly en route to all-out romantic engagement given the right circumstances, right removals of impediments, etc.
That theory of hers notwithstanding, I've shared a lot with them that I couldn't with her.
So... is there a way to suddenly become transparent about all that, such that I don't have to lose anyone (including this blog) in the process? Or am I hopelessly beyond the point of being trusted?