inquiry

whatever comes to mind

> I am 37 years old now

I can't tell you how weird it is to look back at that age as though long ago....

> So, this is my noobified portrait. I was trying to get > a cartoon avi generator to take a portrait of mine (a > selfie, really) and make it into a cartoon, but it was > taking forever to load and then just failed outright. So, > I made my own.

Knowing it was crafted by its fleshly likeness matters (to this observer, anyway), lifting it high above the “any uncreative fool could have done that” (by using a generator) zone.

> Some days in Hanoi are just meant for walking. The > springtime especially comes up with cool mornings, > sometimes warmer days, then the evenings will cool > off. Today was one of the cloudy days where walking felt > effortless. One step is all. One giant step. One giant > moment spent turning left or right down some streets > in Hanoi. Maybe stop at a park bench and assimilate my > delicious moment. Breathe it all in. There’s no hurry > up or slow down on these days. No need to even take a > photograph. It’s like the streets are one big street > where Hanoi life meanders with shops and kids laughing > and old people smiling at me.

Beautiful.

How much credit do you give the locale for it being/seeming thusly? I mean, technically (although also possibly merely theoretically..) speaking, said mindset should be both cultivatible and relocatable. I want to believe your mindset-honing over time (even if unintentional) constitutes the lion's share of how peacefully idyllic seems.

> as it will be 42F when I leave here, and getting up to 52 > by the time I return home

Glorious! I'm pretty happy for temps allegedly rising to all of 38F, here, today.

> I've often thought of depression as an addiction to > feeling miserable

Interesting theory.

> I need to forge some kind of outside connection with the > outside world, but I haven't the faintest idea how.

It's going to sound cliché as fuck, but how about perpetually connecting to your immediate surroundings – aka the here/now hand you were dealt – to the point of forgetting to dream of better hands?

Not to think about said surroundings, i.e. not figure out, explain, find meaning in, etc.

But, rather, to simply marvel in the multi-sensory spectacle, blissfully ignorant of what any of it “is”, means, how it works, etc.

I get the feeling writers are especially prone to the affliction of being other than here/now, because a search for words seems a search for meaning and explanation, which essentially kill the joy of merely witnessing the immediate (i.e. not mediated – especially by words..) spectacle.

Words are fucking impostors distracting from the sheerly joyful unexplained spectacle....

(he says, once again motherfucking wording (his life?) away....)

> Anyway, I think I am going to turn off all notifications > now.

Welcome to paradise! ;–)

> therapy session: complete! > > Won't go into all the details of what was discussed

Aw!

> if the network offers a way to get paid, what do you have > to offer that's valuable enough? do you need a different > voice here? are you going to just word-vomit something and > press “Post”? are you just going to react to content > that's already out there? is a “like” the biggest mark > you can make in this new space to get off the ground? or > can you have a real conversation, maybe with someone you'd > really love to talk to? is there something to do besides > produce and consume “content”? is there actually > anything of value in this new place?

Word-vomit something and press “Post”. :–)

> She’s super groovy

Wait a second... not merely groovy, but super groovy?

Oh my!

> I drew a cartoon today!

Isn't it amazing what we can do when not blowing our time on telling others what we can do?

> https://www.effuse.io/explore/50-2021-well-hello-old-friend.mp3 > > 26 minutes of ego-dissolution, some sonic healing brain > copaceticisms, and well it’s my style.

Groovy!

Chanced upon an employment opportunity that's waaaaaay up my alley. Must apply. Must research the bleep out of their website first, as their application instructions emphasize one's words demonstrating having done so.

<next day>

On second thought, they want way more employee than I want to be.

Can't we just work anymore? Does every position that is ultimately merely work have to be portrayed via modern woke-words as though paramount to guru-ic illimitable enlightenment?

For example, a question from a recent application:

“Which of the following developer archetypes do you most identify with?”

Um.... can I just write some fucking code for you?

> Am I the only one that appends -medium.com > to their searches so often that they created a TextExpander > snippet for it?

Well... once upon a time... until Medium became first annoying and then useless to me. (Don't remember the details, but I believe 'twas yet another case of something good having gone pay-walled-garden into the not-nearly-worth-the-cost zone....)

> I doubt the system really benefits the heirs of the largess > of the extremely wealthy either. Living a life without > real consequences due to good fortune could easily mean > an inability to evaluate real-world options clearly. When > no are no stakes and no critical feedback, what personal > development occurs?

Why does personal development have to occur to/for all? Surely a desirable consequence of essentially “winning the lottery” is no longer having to live in accord with such assumptions....

> And it is sickening how happy and excited most of us seem > to be to go along with it.

Why be miserable over how we apparently, predominantly are?

Perhaps it's better to accept and operate in and/or around it to the best of one's talent stack?

> Hollywood has already created a version of transness that > the broader world finds somewhat acceptable.

Not unusual for people in the habit of profiting from stereotypes.

> the kids have not called me at all. so i guess i am well > and truly alone. dont think anyone would notice if i died > right now.

How could we given its implying no one left to inform us of it....?

I've kids that don't call, too. I can get worked up about it. But that emotion is mostly rooted in the assumption of something that ought/must be happening.

But how could that be given I can remember times before them in which I was just fine without them?

Whatever one most thinks is winds up most seeming to be.

> Good night from Hanoi. I’ll just open this 🍺

Beautiful!

     so easy to forget
     dream but a dream

    leaves of happening
    churning, spinning
        taking off

     a life of its own
that leave churn spin thing

     i.e. how a thing
          becomes
            one

> ‘‘Twas the night before tmo

Wow, damned sweet! And I very much appreciate the mention. Thanks squared, Mike!

> Still sure that I am going to switch back to (good) ground > beans, though. Via French press.

Yet another instance of w.a coincidence for this boy, given a coffee-maker arrived today – the first cup therefrom damned freshly ground good.

> Time is finite, may blog have mercy on our souls.

Heart!

> Hopefully this body of text wasn't something you read > last week, or the week before that, or the week before > that – or seemed like the “same old, same old” in > one way or another. Hopefully this was a quasi-original > form of writing.

Rest assured.

<next morning>

> So maybe in the desert of my writing the last few weeks > a new branch arrives. With writing I never know. This > thrives. That withers. Hanoi still stuns me. But many of > the things are kept within. Words on this paper do not > come. So I must be getting back to writing.

To/for me the read.write.as feed itself plays the role of those wishbone-shaped divining rods occasionally seen in old-time cartoons. I pull it out, and soon enough am tapped into otherwise hidden word cisterns sporting thought currents directionality, and just basically <queue Flipper theme song> ride the wave(s).

I guess my wife's eldest (recently turned 40...) and her husband will be visiting later today, implying a somewhat accelerated pace of getting some shelves and/or pictures hung. But awakening on the fairly early side (especially for a Saturday) is a good start on that happening to/for everyone's visual delight.

Rather enjoying a combination of a leftover pizza slice, and some of my wife's homemade sauerkraut. I'm tellin' ya, the older I get....

Still more new snow this morning. Ungodly beautiful in the trees. Still casts a bit of a pall on the day for requiring actual real physical work attention – not that the labor is unwelcome so much as the implication of attention deprivation in other directions.

I still can hardly believe we live here.

Thinking back to yesterday's interview, was I merely imagining occasional, irrepressible twinkles in the interviewer's eyes possibly suggesting I was coming across as what they're looking for?

Damn, and now the wait. So much waiting in this world. And knowing it could be nearly instantaneous were it not for the humans only exacerbates. (exacerbastes?)

> “While we focus on results, fulfillment is found in > the process.”

'Tis as true as it is easy to forget while in a bright-shiny-results-objects coma.

That interview also had me realizing how poorly things went in my current position. I – or they, really – really should have insisted they spend time giving me a feel for being a student, being a “mentor”, being a teacher, and whatever other roles are prevalent in the systems I'm supposed to be integrating. Without that understanding, I'm basically trying to fulfill little isolated chunks of need as presented by my manager – isolated from bigger-picture-meaningful context, which leads to gobs of frustration whilst considering software solutions. False (for not being able to imagine any better) assumptions city. Painful rework and refactoring guaranteed, along with feelings of stupidity for not having gotten it right the first time... although I'm not sure how I could have without the aforementioned context.

> I think I wrote in a personal journal earlier that today > was in the “Top 5” most anguished days of my life

Dang. Sorry to hear/read, man.

So I'm back with write.as for another year. Feels good! Haven't had much to say of late, though. Or I do, but I'll get a few sentences into it, and suddenly can't get the thought “Even if someone else could figure out what I'm yapping about, how could their knowing (about) it matter?”

Followed soon enough by “:%d” in vi(m).

Oh! I think my interview/chat with the VP of another potential employer went well this late afternoon. If nothing else, we were pleasantly capable of conversationally enjoying each other, and laughed quite a bit about this and that pertaining to the horror also known as software development. :–)

It's definitely closer to a “startup” than any other place I've been part of. The VP gave me a good sense of the overall vibe, and I rather like it. What they're doing feels compelling to me, as in I know I could “make a difference”, know I'd be a heck of an asset.

Sipping a “tequila mule” at the moment. I've done so little drinking that last few weeks after my wife's appendectomy that it's hitting me like proverbial gangbusters. And it's going damned well with the sight (heh.. typed 'site' first..) of the fire in the fireplace just over the top of this screen....

> The order from P&C made its way back to PA. Why? I don't > know. Likely weather-related.

No way! It's fine people related! Has to be! I read it on CNN! Has to be!

> Some thoughts on this I heard on the radio and already > agreed with:

Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazam!

> – If you lie you must have a perfect memory

Same goes for maintaining a consistent online persona.

Which, of course, begs a question....

Another half an inch of snow overnight, a rather annoying amount. Hoping the driveway asphalt heats enough to melt it sans shovel assistance.

<later>

Okay, done with the weekly immediate work team status meeting. Fun (you know, the interactions not about work..), but basically a waste of time.

<next day>

> Why does this feel so rare though?

Oh... just a little thing sometimes described as the fact that intelligent humans are vastly out-numbered....

> This blog is hideously vain.

But... but... show me one that isn't...?

> Deleted a couple older blog posts from today that were > fairly negative, glad I did. I try to be at least somewhat > positive on this blog, even though it doesn't always turn > out that way :/

Still on the fence regarding deletions. I can feel similarly, certainly understand the motivation, and yet can't help but think that for me such curation would constitute at least slivers of quarks of degrees of disingenuity.

Seems there've been a lot of postings to nowhere on read.write.as of late: all choking on the “atlaswoke.com” domain.

> Notifications, though. They're good. Convenient.

There are times I'm convinced I enter a mental harm zone when being helped to remember more than I naturally do/can, some low-grade hysteria that easily blossoms unto not-always-so-well-disguised madness....

<later>

A great example of why I consider communication with other human beings mostly a waste of time.

At work, I've some code that creates and password-protects .xlsx files.

But there are two cases.

In the first, the password is the concatenation of some things a user interested in opening their file would know.

In the second, well... I see how I create the password, but it's neither a direct nor a calculated value from someone a user interested in opening such would know.

So I asked my manager to remind me how our users know passwords in that second case.

Instead of answering that, he gave me a spiel about why we password protect the files, as though I were too stupid to know that....

So... I could reply back something like “Um... I get why we do it. I just needed to re-understand how users would know said values without our telling them.”

But knowing what I do about inter-human communication and ego, I'd bet everything I own that he'd come back with some smart-assed combination of argument and additional belittling, as though there were something wrong with me for not remembering a tiny detail was probably run past me once 18 months ago, that I honestly don't need to perpetually know to do my job, and which of course I forgot whilst drowning in the sea of other special-case details this fucking moronic job requires a developer to know because there's not even a whiff of a quark of direction from management insisting employees ever do anything in “automation friendly” ways... which means everyone does whatever the fuck they want in filenames, file content, consistent letter casing, white space or not in the names of things, etc., etc., etc.

Guess who gets to make up the difference in that nightmare via code becoming unboundedly “spaghetti”-like to address certainly-mutually-exclusive-someday exceptions what were once portrayed as rules?